from May 29th 2008
Addiction
So I'm in the middle of Beautiful Boy, I have been reading it for quite some time now. It is a great book. Reading from a parents point of view - it scares the living daylights out of me. At points my eyes just tear up thinking about this sweet boy who became a meth addict and knowing that, really - that could happen to my little boy. And if it did happen to him, is there REALLY anything I could do to prevent it? Or will it just happen? Scary stuff man. Terrifying - and I cannot stress that enough. I don't know what words to use to convey to you how much it tears my whole body and soul apart just thinking of the possibility. And I'd still love him with all of my heart. I just pray everyday that Landyn, Luke, and I will never have to deal with drug problems.
Anyways I got to this one page. Chapter 12 David Sheff is looking for his son Nic after he ran away from his halfway house at rehab. He went to a park and approached a police officer and told him that he was looking for his son - who is a meth addict. The policeman leads David to an area where he knows some users hang out. Sheff meets a 19 year old girl, a 19 year old meth addict. He asks if she has seen his son Nic he describes him and she says "That sounds like half the guys I know, you won't find him if he doesn't want to be found." (pg. 143). Sheff asks her if she is hungry and they go to McDonald's together. He starts to ask questions about how she got to where she is now, and she begins to tell him how she was a "sweet kid". She was in the high school band and loved history and french. Apparently somebody gave her meth when she was 14 years old. Then she says something that strikes me in all the wrong places. "Meth...even though i know how f*cked up it is, if I had the chance to start all over I would do it again. I can't live without dope, don't want to. You can't imagine how good it gets when it's good, and I need that in my life." (pg 144). I don't get it, but I guess - how could I. I've never been addicted to anything, thank God. But still people will tell me something and I'm like yea I can understand how you could feel like that, but this...how? When she says she needs that good in her life - there is good all around - why does it have to come from a drug? If you could do it all over again, have a choice before you got addicted to live this homeless, unhealthy lifestyle, or live a physically and mentally healthy lifestyle you would choose drugs? You would choose to slowly kill yourself? Hurt your family? I'm not criticizing her, I just really don't get it. Maybe she just said it because that is what her life was still is maybe at the moment. Maybe if in the long run she sought help and was sober she'd look back and say no this is what I want. My health. I don't know - but it rubs me the wrong way. Just one more thing I don't understand about addicts I guess. Not to say that they would all say that. I want to get it though. I want to understand why they think what they think - what there brains are doing. Why? Why do these things make you react a certain way?
It just scares me - what if that's Landyn in 17 years? What would I do? How could I not become obsessed with where he is, what he's doing?
I don't want to shelter him from things - and I know he won't always be innocent. His child ways will leave and he'll become a man - his own. And I just have to trust that Luke and I have raised him to make responsible decisions.
Thank your parents for everything they have done for you - even if you feel like it's not much. They love you and sometimes it's hard to say but they love you so much. I'm not good with words - I don't know how to make you understand how much. But I can tell you that this love is like nothing you've ever felt before. Tell them you love them and you appreciate them.
But man just reading what this girl has to say - I just had to write something about it.
And go out and read this book it's so good. Next I'm going to read Tweak - which is Nic's story.
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